Don’t miss your possible partner because of conversation

If this has happened to you, it needn’t ever happen again. You can gracefully start a conversation with absolutely anyone, anytime. There’s only one secret: Say something the person will be happy to hear.

1. Make note of something pleasant.

“This dip is delicious!” “Nice turnout for this event!” “Did you hear the keynote? I thought it was great.” There’s something positive to say in nearly every situation, so find it and say it. Don’t say something negative because it’s much too risky. “I thought the keynote was boring,” could backfire if the listener turns out to be the keynote speaker’s cousin.

2. Comment on the weather.

The one exception to the no-negatives rule is weather. If you’re in the midst of a heat wave, cold snap, or torrential downpour, remarking on the unusual weather is often a good way to start a conversation — it’s a shared experience, one that both you and the listener are having. If it’s a particularly lovely day, that’s a good way to start too.

3. Ask for information.

“Excuse me, do you know what time the next session starts?” Even if you already know the answer, asking for information can be a great way to start someone talking with you, because everyone likes to feel helpful.

4. Ask for assistance.

5. Offer assistance.

You won’t often find yourself in a situation where you can help someone you’re dying to talk to, but if it happens, don’t miss your chance to be of use. “Can I help you carry that large box?” “Do you need a seat? There’s a free one over here.” “Would you like a program? I happen to have an extra.” The listener will be inclined to like you and trust you because you’ve helped out.

Be careful not to be intrusive or excessive. “I couldn’t help overhearing that your credit card was declined — would you like to use mine?” will do more harm than good.

6. Solicit an opinion.

“What did you think of that speech?” “Did you get a lot out of this workshop?” “I see you’re drinking the special cocktail. Would you recommend it?” Most people like knowing that others are interested in their opinions and will be happy to respond.

7. Mention a mutual acquaintance.

“Did you used to work with Roger? He and I have done several projects together.” Naming someone you both know will tell the listener you are part of his or her extended social circle. Many people will begin thinking of you as someone they know, or should know. Be careful, though, that their relationship with your shared acquaintance is on good terms — you don’t want to say you’re best friends with someone only to learn your friend and the listener are in the midst of a legal dispute.

8. Bring up a shared experience.

9. Praise the listener.

This works when you’re wondering what to say to a celebrity, a noted VC, or someone prominent in your industry or company. You’ll never insult someone by saying, “I really love your work,” or “I thought your last blog post was very insightful.”

Three caveats: Don’t fawn, don’t make the mistake of critiquing the listener, as in “I thought your most recent movie was much better than last year’s.” And only offer praise if you genuinely mean it.

10. Compliment the listener’s apparel or accessories.

“That’s a really unusual necktie. Where did you get it?” “That scarf is a great color on you.” Most people like it when others appreciate their taste, so they will likely want to engage with you.

Don’t comment on the listener’s own physical appearance — having a stranger or near-stranger tell you that you have beautiful eyes is more creepy than anything else. The exception is hair. If the listener has recently changed hairstyle or had a haircut, it’s fine to compliment that. (But if someone started coloring hair to remove the gray, best to keep that comment to yourself.)

11. Simply introduce yourself.